Saturday, February 6, 2010

Indubitable Doubts

Weather ruined my group riding efforts for the weekend so it was off for errands by bike and wanderings. Spring needs to hurry up, I'm overdue for some happy weather. Spent much of the ride practicing going slower than I wanted to.
Camera strap sabatoge but I thought this showed the fender doing it's job well:

It's been a dream of mine to live in a renovated industrial space and I liked this door so I pretended this was my house for a moment.
You got hung in my spokes and I got hung in yours:
Side of the old Pig:
I like door.
Times are tough all over:

Lacking a woman's touch:
Kitchen and bathroom:

Limestone sidewalk and threshold near downtown Champaign:


Something on my mind lately is the idea of perspective when formulating judgements and declarations of "reality". Take for example the two pics below, without perspective one might be tempted to think the chimney belongs to each of the buildings when infact it belongs to neither. The difference is the leg work to gain perspective to see where the chimney actually goes. Wisdom is knowing when to look and when to ignore it and move on. Intuition is my navigator here.

Recounting my narrative has shed light on a few significant aspects in my life. One of the earliest memories I have is of nurses in the nursery discussing what I energetically felt as, "Who is his mother?" and understanding at that moment the panic of abandonment, of being truely alone in this world. I've been forced to co-habitate with this feeling since its seemingly setup shop as a defining aspect of me. Thankfully, my adopted mother has been an enduring presence of love and an example of struggle, failures and successes in my journey to find my own sense of security, comfort and health.

Her second husband adopted me and proceeded to attempt, at times violently, to press me through the mold of what his idea of what his son should look like. In some ways that was good, in others not so much. Seeing this dynamic of a strict military father coupled with a wounded mother and the resulting implosion of the family unit helps in my healing process as well as understanding my own tendencies to act from their crap. Pulling pieces of thoughts and emotions together into words eventually allows the experiences to be just words, not whelming experiences with associated symptoms. Or something like that.

Been recieving feedback on the mirrored crops images. They are dark, scary and full of animal spirit faces. Yep.


Liking The Little Death lately, Wont Ever Let You Down Agian especially.

Spoke with Carol on the phone, under direct orders, before my session tomorrow. I was avoiding it but called and felt good work occured. She has many skills and feels like a wise spirit who is here to assist. She said she thinks I'm more afriad of the good than the darkness. That I've seen dark and emerged, that the goodness is really what I'm afraid of. I immediately did that uncontrollable laughter of recognition and wondered how I had become so tangled and confused that I was potentially afraid of what I desire. More paradox! The riddle of life.

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